My Coming Out

Wasn't quite sure how to start this one but I felt the need to get something off my chest.  I am not sure what I believe.  Scary, isn't it?  For some people, yes, for other people, no.  It comes naturally to some to question and not worry that they do so.  I am pretty much the opposite of that.  This pretty much sums it up:

On the other hand, I am not entirely sure I fit the label sometimes.  I do not consider myself atheist.  The best I can describe it is I don't know.  This is a frightening development for someone who felt sure about everything for the first 20 or so years of her life.  I went through a period a couple of years ago where I didn't attend church.  I was trying to pray and sometimes I felt it was going somewhere.  I studied other religions.  I studied other forms of Christianity.  I knew I could never go back to conservative Christianity.  The subjugation of women, the treatment of gay people, the fights with science and the simplistic black and white thinking was too much for me.  I converted to a more liberal form of Christianity.  This solved many of my problems for a while.  It felt so right.  I was at home.  Now, I don't know.  I problems but the thing is this time it has to the beliefs of Christianity itself, not just the church.  

I don't want anyone to leave this thinking that I never believed or was never sincere about those beliefs.  I prayed the sinner's prayer for the first time when I was seven years old.  I remember that event so well.  Of course, this was nothing new.  I had been taught the Gospel my entire life.  But for someone to say that wasn't legitimate is insulting.  The experience was legitimate to me.  Despite this, I was always worrying that I wasn't really saved.  I prayed that prayer many times just to make sure.  After all, this was the most important thing in the world.  I was in church every sunday, youth group every friday, sunday school, special events.  Even went on retreats, to seminars, camps and other organized events.  I evangelized people with my church (even though I wasn't entirely comfortable).  Went on missions trips but in some ways I was never "one of them."  I listened to the wrong music, went to public school, and never truly bought into everything they told me.  Maybe the questions were the beginning.

If I had to place myself most days I would say I am an agnostic theist.  This could change and yes, some of my views right now are probably contradictory and don't make much sense.  I want to believe that there is a god that loves us and cares about what happens in the world.  I want to believe that this world has some type of meaning to it.  A part of me wants to feel like praying.  On the other hand, I kind of like the idea of giving your own life meaning.  

However, it was a real relief to know that could come out to my best friend her family and they felt the same way.  They love me no matter what.  I just don't know what to do about my family if and when I tell them.  Maybe I should just keep going the path?  Keep going to church?  Hope for more faith?  I care about the people I go to church with and I care about my family.  I haven't become different.  I am still the fairly conservative person I have always been.  

There is a possibility this is a phase and that is why I didn't want to go all crazy and tell everyone.  I don't even know.  I like Christian ethics (for the most part).  Treating people decently is important. This life matters.  Truth be told, I focus more on this life now, anyways.  I believe in forgiveness, compassion, kindheartedness, justice and all that good stuff.  I am more interested in how people behave opposed to what they believe.  All in all, though, I feel conflicted.  I don't like pretending but I don't like the alternative either.  Maybe this shall pass.  Maybe it is a "dark night of the soul."

Maybe in way I am not ready to "come out" or proclaim anything since I don't know what I am coming into.

Shame and Guilt as Motivators

Too often people use shame and guilt as motivators.  Advertising, work, relationships and religion.  I see this big time in Christianity.  How often is this used, especially when talking about sexuality?  People often shame other church members to show others what will happen if they dare to step outside the bounds.  Do people motivated by shame and guilt act any better?  I don't think they do.  I think they simply have more guilt about their transgressions.
The purity movement is built on shame and guilt tactics.  Don't have sex because you WILL get pregnant, get an STD and have lifelong emotional scars.  Do these things happen every time?  Of course not.  Shame and guilt usually leads into people needing to lie.  In this example, condoms don't work, you will have marriage problems if you don't go in as a virgin, and you will always compare your current partner to your past partners.  Of course, these things are not true most of the time.  Am I trying to defend more liberal sexual attitudes?  Not really, just trying to point out that shame and guilt can lead to dishonesty.
Another example, in some churches they will tell people that one sip of alcohol will cause them to become alcoholics.  In the majority of cases this is untrue.  One sip of alcohol means you are one sip drunk.  How silly.  I think the motivation is just to guilt people into believing that one sip of alcohol is going to ruin your life.  Truth is, most people can enjoy a drink or two and not hurt themselves or others in the process.  Do people abuse alcohol?  For sure.
I guess the point I am trying to make here is that there is always a potential for bad things to happen when doing, well, almost anything.  Shaming people by producing and instilling guilt is effective in the sense that sometimes people will be afraid and form unhealthy attitudes, which will keep them from said activities.  Other times, it just makes people feel lousy and doesn't change them at all.  If someone is doing something truly harmful how likely are they to reach out in an environment where theses tactics are used?  Wouldn't they be more likely to hide and continue these things in private?  It tears people apart emotionally and mentally.
Yes, there are things that are wrong that people should be discouraged from.  This is not about that.  Maybe it is time that we were open and honest about things.  Stop making up lies to scare people.  Be honest about the mistakes people make, including yourself.  People should be shown the positives to a certain way of living rather than convincing them that their reputation and self worth completely depend on it.  People that are willing to change should be commended rather than held up as nothing more than scare tactics.  There is a time for talk about negative consequences but most people don't need more shame, guilt and lies tacked on.

Women Should be Silent in the Church

Anybody ever heard that one?  Of course, I heard it so many times growing up Baptist.  Now the phrase kind of makes my scalp itch.  This single verse has been used more times than I can count to put down women and refuse to listen to their points of view.  I think all the time growing up I knew there was something wrong with this but I didn't feel safe expressing it.  After all, this was the orthodox Christian view.  Who was I to argue with God?  Well, times have changed and now I see this for what it is.  It is a cultural view from long ago that is used to maintain male power and dominance in the church.  I am not saying that all men consciously feel this way or even really think this way it is there.  Of course, this thing, patriarchy, is everywhere.  Sounds very liberal and feminist of me, doesn't it?  I guess that's where the modern part comes in.

The plethora of books in evangelical circles about women is a sight to behold.  When I say sight, I mean unsightly.  Oh goody, now's a chance to mention my favorite *cough cough* book, Created to be His Helpmeet.  I was only tempted to throw the thing across the room several times. I think I did well.  Basic premise of the book: women were created to please men.  Too bad if you don't like something that is just the way it is.  It encourages women to stay with abusive husbands, with the only solution being more submission on their part.  It even states in the book that a woman fails if she has no man to please.  This is so wrong in so many ways.  A woman's worth is never dependent on a man.  Woman deserve to be treated with respect just like men.  That means having an equal say in relationships and in the church.

It means that a woman can go into a church and expect to listened to.  A women can get up in front of the church without fear of reprisal for stepping out of bounds.  A woman doesn't feel she has to be silent in the event of abuse or any type of wrongdoing.  Women are taken seriously and never dismissed because something is "merely" a woman's issue.

Women are hearing some pretty terrible things coming out of the pulpit.  Books written for women are pressuring women to adopt these dangerous attitudes because it is biblically "correct."  Girls are growing up hearing they are not as capable as men.  They are taught to lay down their rights.  They are taught to accept unfair treatment and even abuse in the name of "biblical womanhood."  Well, I have had enough.  I am not going to offer religious arguments.  I am just advocating for decency.  Women are human beings and have the right to be treated as such both inside and outside the church.