My Coming Out

Wasn't quite sure how to start this one but I felt the need to get something off my chest.  I am not sure what I believe.  Scary, isn't it?  For some people, yes, for other people, no.  It comes naturally to some to question and not worry that they do so.  I am pretty much the opposite of that.  This pretty much sums it up:

On the other hand, I am not entirely sure I fit the label sometimes.  I do not consider myself atheist.  The best I can describe it is I don't know.  This is a frightening development for someone who felt sure about everything for the first 20 or so years of her life.  I went through a period a couple of years ago where I didn't attend church.  I was trying to pray and sometimes I felt it was going somewhere.  I studied other religions.  I studied other forms of Christianity.  I knew I could never go back to conservative Christianity.  The subjugation of women, the treatment of gay people, the fights with science and the simplistic black and white thinking was too much for me.  I converted to a more liberal form of Christianity.  This solved many of my problems for a while.  It felt so right.  I was at home.  Now, I don't know.  I problems but the thing is this time it has to the beliefs of Christianity itself, not just the church.  

I don't want anyone to leave this thinking that I never believed or was never sincere about those beliefs.  I prayed the sinner's prayer for the first time when I was seven years old.  I remember that event so well.  Of course, this was nothing new.  I had been taught the Gospel my entire life.  But for someone to say that wasn't legitimate is insulting.  The experience was legitimate to me.  Despite this, I was always worrying that I wasn't really saved.  I prayed that prayer many times just to make sure.  After all, this was the most important thing in the world.  I was in church every sunday, youth group every friday, sunday school, special events.  Even went on retreats, to seminars, camps and other organized events.  I evangelized people with my church (even though I wasn't entirely comfortable).  Went on missions trips but in some ways I was never "one of them."  I listened to the wrong music, went to public school, and never truly bought into everything they told me.  Maybe the questions were the beginning.

If I had to place myself most days I would say I am an agnostic theist.  This could change and yes, some of my views right now are probably contradictory and don't make much sense.  I want to believe that there is a god that loves us and cares about what happens in the world.  I want to believe that this world has some type of meaning to it.  A part of me wants to feel like praying.  On the other hand, I kind of like the idea of giving your own life meaning.  

However, it was a real relief to know that could come out to my best friend her family and they felt the same way.  They love me no matter what.  I just don't know what to do about my family if and when I tell them.  Maybe I should just keep going the path?  Keep going to church?  Hope for more faith?  I care about the people I go to church with and I care about my family.  I haven't become different.  I am still the fairly conservative person I have always been.  

There is a possibility this is a phase and that is why I didn't want to go all crazy and tell everyone.  I don't even know.  I like Christian ethics (for the most part).  Treating people decently is important. This life matters.  Truth be told, I focus more on this life now, anyways.  I believe in forgiveness, compassion, kindheartedness, justice and all that good stuff.  I am more interested in how people behave opposed to what they believe.  All in all, though, I feel conflicted.  I don't like pretending but I don't like the alternative either.  Maybe this shall pass.  Maybe it is a "dark night of the soul."

Maybe in way I am not ready to "come out" or proclaim anything since I don't know what I am coming into.

Boston and Faith

As we all know, today was a horrible day.  One of my favorite events, the Boston Marathon, was overtaken by senseless violence.  It just boggles my mind how people could do such a thing and inflict so much suffering on a group of people.  I am naturally a pessimist and an introvert so these types of things really raise questions about good vs. evil and how the world ultimately works.  Same thing with the Sandy Hook shooting.

My questions went something like this: Where is God?  Why is evil allowed, it seems, to overcome good so much of the time?  Is this just one of those things that signals to "end of the world?"  Are people really getting worse?

Of course, some of these questions are the result of my upbringing, especially the stuff about the "end of the world."  I kind of have a phobia about that so best not to go there most of the time.  Anyway, as a person with a somewhat skeptical nature it just confuses me so much.  Why doesn't God intervene?  How much does free will have an effect on the world?  These are the moments where I fall into periods of doubt and uncertainty.  I don't have anymore answers than anyone else.  It is the belief of Christians everywhere that good will eventually overcome evil.  Evil doers will be punished and the world will be set right.  But sometimes, in the deep recesses of my mind, I just don't know.

I get there are evil people in the world.  I get that people make their choices and we bare the consequences.  Maybe it just seems to me that things get worse as time goes on.  I do tend to look to the negative side all too often.  All I know is that people are capable of great good and great evil.  It just seems that some people choose to follow their evil inclinations more than their good ones.

And to add a more political element, people need to stop placing blame where blame is not due.  We don't know the facts.  All we know is that an act of terrorism was committed.  I saw people blaming everyone from liberals, atheists, Obama and Muslims.  The truth is no one knows why suffering happens and why people choose evil when they had other options.  Human nature is an uncertain thing.  Now is not to the time to place blame, as appealing as that may be.  Now is not the time to say why such a tragedy happened.  Now is the time to simply grieve and think of those affected.

Women Should be Silent in the Church

Anybody ever heard that one?  Of course, I heard it so many times growing up Baptist.  Now the phrase kind of makes my scalp itch.  This single verse has been used more times than I can count to put down women and refuse to listen to their points of view.  I think all the time growing up I knew there was something wrong with this but I didn't feel safe expressing it.  After all, this was the orthodox Christian view.  Who was I to argue with God?  Well, times have changed and now I see this for what it is.  It is a cultural view from long ago that is used to maintain male power and dominance in the church.  I am not saying that all men consciously feel this way or even really think this way it is there.  Of course, this thing, patriarchy, is everywhere.  Sounds very liberal and feminist of me, doesn't it?  I guess that's where the modern part comes in.

The plethora of books in evangelical circles about women is a sight to behold.  When I say sight, I mean unsightly.  Oh goody, now's a chance to mention my favorite *cough cough* book, Created to be His Helpmeet.  I was only tempted to throw the thing across the room several times. I think I did well.  Basic premise of the book: women were created to please men.  Too bad if you don't like something that is just the way it is.  It encourages women to stay with abusive husbands, with the only solution being more submission on their part.  It even states in the book that a woman fails if she has no man to please.  This is so wrong in so many ways.  A woman's worth is never dependent on a man.  Woman deserve to be treated with respect just like men.  That means having an equal say in relationships and in the church.

It means that a woman can go into a church and expect to listened to.  A women can get up in front of the church without fear of reprisal for stepping out of bounds.  A woman doesn't feel she has to be silent in the event of abuse or any type of wrongdoing.  Women are taken seriously and never dismissed because something is "merely" a woman's issue.

Women are hearing some pretty terrible things coming out of the pulpit.  Books written for women are pressuring women to adopt these dangerous attitudes because it is biblically "correct."  Girls are growing up hearing they are not as capable as men.  They are taught to lay down their rights.  They are taught to accept unfair treatment and even abuse in the name of "biblical womanhood."  Well, I have had enough.  I am not going to offer religious arguments.  I am just advocating for decency.  Women are human beings and have the right to be treated as such both inside and outside the church.

As Things Become More Gray

I know, it has been over a year since I have written anything.  But something, not sure what exactly, has inspired me to begin again.  This has been a year of a lot of changing ideas.  I blame it on reading too much philosophy.  Truth be told, I am not sure what I believe about some things now, although it is easier to put up a front that says I do.  My mind has already changed about some of the things that I have written.  Such is the internet, your views are out there FOREVER.  For those that wonder, I am still a conservative, although my views have moderated.  My religious views are in fluctuation, which is the part I have trouble talking about.

Compared to the people I was brought up with I am a raging liberal.  As I have written previously, I enjoy some things that would put me into potentially "liberal, heretic, backslidden" category.  Doesn't bother me, though because I am seeing that the world does not operate in black and white.  My views would get me kicked out of any religious right gathering.  Here are some samplings:

*I am in favor of comprehensive sex ed.  People don't stop having sex just because you tell them too.  Abstinence pledging has over an 80% failure rate.  Time to be realistic.  If you are serious about reducing abortions then you need to be serious about birth control.
*I am in favor of separation of church and state.  Christians wouldn't like it if Islam were established as the national religion and that is how a lot of people feel about Christianity.  People can feel free to practice their religion in their own place on their own time.  Simple as that.
*I am in favor of allowing gay couples full civil rights.  Marriage, at least to me, is a religious label.  Churches or other places of worship can make their own rules about marriage.
*I am in favor of allowing people to live their lives in their own way, even if I think it is absolutely immoral and something I would never do.  I care that people are not harmed by someone else's actions.

So what does all this make me?  Am I really a liberal in conservative clothing?  Nope, I think I just looked at reality and saw something lacking in absolutist views.  Life isn't one side or the other.  It is constantly reevaluating and realizing that sometimes you are wrong and things are far from black and white.

Why I Will Never Be a "Good" Christian

Wait...this is not as depressing as it sounds.

There are some reasons why according to some I will never be a good Christian.  I listen to secular music.  I occasionally drink a wine cooler.  Talk about some Christian subjects do not excite me (such as "end times" stuff).  In a weird way it sends my anxiety level up.  I don't actively try to convert people unless the subject comes up and even then I prefer to have a conversation and listen to the person.  I think that sometimes we miss the point of treating people as individuals loved by God.  So what does all this make me?  Someone who has faith in Christ but someone who is human.

I am opinionated.  I check everything I hear, even if it comes from a Christian source.  I believe that God expects me to discern right from wrong not just follow the teaching of another human.  I don't believe that following more rules makes me more a better person, if not done in the right spirit.  I can never prove to God that I deserve his love.  Truth is none of us are deserving of that.

I could never become a hardcore Christian that shuns society.  I believe that I make my biggest impacts on society when I am actually participating in society.  When I did Habitat for Humanity I experienced God more in doing that than I ever have trying to live a strict Christian life, with all the "rules."  I finally knew what it was love your neighbor in action.

Although I am far from an ideal, striving is my goal.  My faith does waiver at times.  I have never lost faith even during times when it was weak.  There was a strange sense that God wanted me back.  I can't describe faith as something that I generated because there were times in my life when God was the one pulling me back.  I couldn't bear the thought of never communicating with God again.  When I read the Gospels I knew those were for me.

Sure I don't put up Christian facebook statuses everyday or try to convert everyone I meet, but I am not looking to be a "good" Christian.  There is no such thing.  I may listen to secular music and drink wine coolers but I have faith, although imperfect, that I couldn't stay away from God if I wanted to (and I wouldn't!).  There are no "good" Christians.  There are only those that put their faith in Christ and live their lives according to that.  Faith is something that is only real when you apply it to real life.

To me this means that my decisions are based upon what God would want.  Everyday I pray for the strength to do the right thing no matter the situation and everyday I fail in some way.  This is not meant to be discouraging but rather shows the mercy that God has upon us.  Everyday I ask for guidance in my decisions and how I can be a Christian to those around me.  I will never forget the time someone told me that I the first "real" Christian that had met because I spent more time caring rather than condemning.  Of course, I can only do this by the grace of God but sometimes I recall that when I struggle in my faith.  I hope that they remember that when they meet another Christian and it will help them to see a small portion of the love of God.

Well, there you have it.  I am not a "good" Christian.  I don't follow all the rules.  All I know is God loves me and everyone else and my sins have been taken care of.  All I have to do is have faith, which God supplies me with everyday.