My Coming Out

Wasn't quite sure how to start this one but I felt the need to get something off my chest.  I am not sure what I believe.  Scary, isn't it?  For some people, yes, for other people, no.  It comes naturally to some to question and not worry that they do so.  I am pretty much the opposite of that.  This pretty much sums it up:

On the other hand, I am not entirely sure I fit the label sometimes.  I do not consider myself atheist.  The best I can describe it is I don't know.  This is a frightening development for someone who felt sure about everything for the first 20 or so years of her life.  I went through a period a couple of years ago where I didn't attend church.  I was trying to pray and sometimes I felt it was going somewhere.  I studied other religions.  I studied other forms of Christianity.  I knew I could never go back to conservative Christianity.  The subjugation of women, the treatment of gay people, the fights with science and the simplistic black and white thinking was too much for me.  I converted to a more liberal form of Christianity.  This solved many of my problems for a while.  It felt so right.  I was at home.  Now, I don't know.  I problems but the thing is this time it has to the beliefs of Christianity itself, not just the church.  

I don't want anyone to leave this thinking that I never believed or was never sincere about those beliefs.  I prayed the sinner's prayer for the first time when I was seven years old.  I remember that event so well.  Of course, this was nothing new.  I had been taught the Gospel my entire life.  But for someone to say that wasn't legitimate is insulting.  The experience was legitimate to me.  Despite this, I was always worrying that I wasn't really saved.  I prayed that prayer many times just to make sure.  After all, this was the most important thing in the world.  I was in church every sunday, youth group every friday, sunday school, special events.  Even went on retreats, to seminars, camps and other organized events.  I evangelized people with my church (even though I wasn't entirely comfortable).  Went on missions trips but in some ways I was never "one of them."  I listened to the wrong music, went to public school, and never truly bought into everything they told me.  Maybe the questions were the beginning.

If I had to place myself most days I would say I am an agnostic theist.  This could change and yes, some of my views right now are probably contradictory and don't make much sense.  I want to believe that there is a god that loves us and cares about what happens in the world.  I want to believe that this world has some type of meaning to it.  A part of me wants to feel like praying.  On the other hand, I kind of like the idea of giving your own life meaning.  

However, it was a real relief to know that could come out to my best friend her family and they felt the same way.  They love me no matter what.  I just don't know what to do about my family if and when I tell them.  Maybe I should just keep going the path?  Keep going to church?  Hope for more faith?  I care about the people I go to church with and I care about my family.  I haven't become different.  I am still the fairly conservative person I have always been.  

There is a possibility this is a phase and that is why I didn't want to go all crazy and tell everyone.  I don't even know.  I like Christian ethics (for the most part).  Treating people decently is important. This life matters.  Truth be told, I focus more on this life now, anyways.  I believe in forgiveness, compassion, kindheartedness, justice and all that good stuff.  I am more interested in how people behave opposed to what they believe.  All in all, though, I feel conflicted.  I don't like pretending but I don't like the alternative either.  Maybe this shall pass.  Maybe it is a "dark night of the soul."

Maybe in way I am not ready to "come out" or proclaim anything since I don't know what I am coming into.

As Things Become More Gray

I know, it has been over a year since I have written anything.  But something, not sure what exactly, has inspired me to begin again.  This has been a year of a lot of changing ideas.  I blame it on reading too much philosophy.  Truth be told, I am not sure what I believe about some things now, although it is easier to put up a front that says I do.  My mind has already changed about some of the things that I have written.  Such is the internet, your views are out there FOREVER.  For those that wonder, I am still a conservative, although my views have moderated.  My religious views are in fluctuation, which is the part I have trouble talking about.

Compared to the people I was brought up with I am a raging liberal.  As I have written previously, I enjoy some things that would put me into potentially "liberal, heretic, backslidden" category.  Doesn't bother me, though because I am seeing that the world does not operate in black and white.  My views would get me kicked out of any religious right gathering.  Here are some samplings:

*I am in favor of comprehensive sex ed.  People don't stop having sex just because you tell them too.  Abstinence pledging has over an 80% failure rate.  Time to be realistic.  If you are serious about reducing abortions then you need to be serious about birth control.
*I am in favor of separation of church and state.  Christians wouldn't like it if Islam were established as the national religion and that is how a lot of people feel about Christianity.  People can feel free to practice their religion in their own place on their own time.  Simple as that.
*I am in favor of allowing gay couples full civil rights.  Marriage, at least to me, is a religious label.  Churches or other places of worship can make their own rules about marriage.
*I am in favor of allowing people to live their lives in their own way, even if I think it is absolutely immoral and something I would never do.  I care that people are not harmed by someone else's actions.

So what does all this make me?  Am I really a liberal in conservative clothing?  Nope, I think I just looked at reality and saw something lacking in absolutist views.  Life isn't one side or the other.  It is constantly reevaluating and realizing that sometimes you are wrong and things are far from black and white.

Why I Will Never Be a "Good" Christian

Wait...this is not as depressing as it sounds.

There are some reasons why according to some I will never be a good Christian.  I listen to secular music.  I occasionally drink a wine cooler.  Talk about some Christian subjects do not excite me (such as "end times" stuff).  In a weird way it sends my anxiety level up.  I don't actively try to convert people unless the subject comes up and even then I prefer to have a conversation and listen to the person.  I think that sometimes we miss the point of treating people as individuals loved by God.  So what does all this make me?  Someone who has faith in Christ but someone who is human.

I am opinionated.  I check everything I hear, even if it comes from a Christian source.  I believe that God expects me to discern right from wrong not just follow the teaching of another human.  I don't believe that following more rules makes me more a better person, if not done in the right spirit.  I can never prove to God that I deserve his love.  Truth is none of us are deserving of that.

I could never become a hardcore Christian that shuns society.  I believe that I make my biggest impacts on society when I am actually participating in society.  When I did Habitat for Humanity I experienced God more in doing that than I ever have trying to live a strict Christian life, with all the "rules."  I finally knew what it was love your neighbor in action.

Although I am far from an ideal, striving is my goal.  My faith does waiver at times.  I have never lost faith even during times when it was weak.  There was a strange sense that God wanted me back.  I can't describe faith as something that I generated because there were times in my life when God was the one pulling me back.  I couldn't bear the thought of never communicating with God again.  When I read the Gospels I knew those were for me.

Sure I don't put up Christian facebook statuses everyday or try to convert everyone I meet, but I am not looking to be a "good" Christian.  There is no such thing.  I may listen to secular music and drink wine coolers but I have faith, although imperfect, that I couldn't stay away from God if I wanted to (and I wouldn't!).  There are no "good" Christians.  There are only those that put their faith in Christ and live their lives according to that.  Faith is something that is only real when you apply it to real life.

To me this means that my decisions are based upon what God would want.  Everyday I pray for the strength to do the right thing no matter the situation and everyday I fail in some way.  This is not meant to be discouraging but rather shows the mercy that God has upon us.  Everyday I ask for guidance in my decisions and how I can be a Christian to those around me.  I will never forget the time someone told me that I the first "real" Christian that had met because I spent more time caring rather than condemning.  Of course, I can only do this by the grace of God but sometimes I recall that when I struggle in my faith.  I hope that they remember that when they meet another Christian and it will help them to see a small portion of the love of God.

Well, there you have it.  I am not a "good" Christian.  I don't follow all the rules.  All I know is God loves me and everyone else and my sins have been taken care of.  All I have to do is have faith, which God supplies me with everyday.

My High School Self

Who was I in high school? Pretty much the same person that I am today (with a little more maturity I hope!).  Probably could have called me a geek, dork, or perfectionist.  I was that shy, reserved person with the good grades, yet totally oblivious to social happenings.  I had a small groups of friends that were sort of like me, although most were probably more socially aware, shall we say.

I was the person that always made the honor roll and freaked out about grades below an A.  Yet, no matter how well I did it was never quite good enough.  My friends were always so much smarter than I was.  Unfortunately, I am much the same in college.  If I don't make dean's list it is awful for me.  I know, so dramatic, right?  I kind of take this as being a part of who I am.  Perfectionistic, uptight me.

Socially in high school, well I think you can guess from the description above, I was in my own world.  Didn't really notice guys too much back then, and if I did it turned out they were gay.  What luck!  Being socially awkward, I guess these things were bound to happen.  Somehow I managed to make friends, despite my shyness.  Dating was out of the question, although I doubt I could have found someone that matched me in many important areas.  Conservative Christians are not as plentiful as you would think.  Yes, sadly I still have this problem.  Don't know why talking to guys is like rocket science to me.

The one thing I loved about high school though was cross country.  When I first started I was the slowest person on the team, not having any other athletic experience.  The people on the team were really great people and I felt myself getting better and better with every practice.  I admit, I was in a lot of pain for the first couple weeks of training, but I loved it.  I went on to actually place in a race senior year and made states for the mile in track.  I also did many other races, including once walking/running 35 miles.  Yeah that hurt.

What was the point of all this?  I guess just so people could get a better view of me from a personal perspective.  I am not just some heartless conservative ya know :P.

What do you remember from high school?